


All Too Well

by apkidd



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, College AU, Dean Winchester - Freeform, Destiel - Freeform, I'm Sorry, M/M, Romance, Supernatural - Freeform, all too well, apkidd, castiel - Freeform, false declarations of no homo, this will probz hurt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-24
Updated: 2014-01-29
Packaged: 2018-01-09 21:10:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1150820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apkidd/pseuds/apkidd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>College AU in which Castiel looks back on a few of the most compelling months he spent with a one, Dean Winchester.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is based on the Taylor Swift song All Too Well and heavily influenced by a lot of her music. If you haven't heard the song I highly recommend you don't listen to it before reading this fic because spoilers! and even if you are not a fan of Tay there is no reason why you would not enjoy this :)
> 
> huge HUGE thanks to hoolihoops and claywinchester for inspiring me to finally write a fic!! And chloe for taking the time to beta it for me and allowing me to use Emily Winchester!! love you long time xo

**LATE FEBRUARY - NOW**

 

The bathroom floor was cold but he didn't care. Cas curled himself up into a ball and stayed there, exhausted. He was completely alone in his apartment, his room-mate staying at her boyfriend’s place. He cried tired tears as he rested his head against the tiles. Finally, sleep took him.

 

When Meg found Cas she began to cry. Panicked sobs as she tried to shake him awake.

“Cas! Cas!” she called him. A million and one worst-case scenarios ran through her mind and honestly, she was expecting this. He hadn't been right for months. Finally, his eyes fluttered open and before she knew it he was sitting up, but she was sobbing into his lap.

The first thing Cas noticed about Meg when they first met was that she was tough, hard. She had a take-no-shit attitude. In the beginning Cas thought she was a little heartless but it turns out she did have a soft side. And Cas realised he had become one of her weaknesses.

“Oh Cas, I was so worried!” he patted her on the back. “Why are you on the floor? What happened? I thought the worst.” she leaned back. No more tears. Just frowning.

Cas frowned too, sad at the fact that he'd worried her. He could see the panic in her eyes as he had woken up, the same time in which she noticed that the blue flecks in his has faded. Expressions in each other they didn't recognise. “I'm sorry,” was all Cas said.

And they both sat there for a moment on the bathroom floor, next to one another. Cas in just his t-shirt and underwear, he hadn't showered in at least two days. Meg dressed, but her hair looked a little messy from the wind. Probably just got in, Cas thought.

“We need to talk Castiel.” It wasn't menacing or scary. It was caring. She got up and walked out of the bathroom without looking back.

 

Later that day when Cas had finally showered and put on some clean clothes, Meg tapped on his door. He had been sat on his bed, legs crossed reading a history text book. Meg noticed how much more refreshed he looked now that he had showered, but his hair was still a mess.

She sat in his desk chair across from his bed, and spun it to face him. His bedroom was tiny, their entire flat was. But it was theirs.

The bedroom was small enough that Meg could sit facing away from his desk and still be able to rest her feet on Cas' bed. He closed his book and rested it beside him, waiting for her to speak. “So come on Clarence, spill.”

Cas couldn't really look at her, he fiddled with his hands.

 

When Meg and Castiel first met it had been at a fresher’s party. He looked so much better then than he did now. Finally away at university, practically an adult he was full of life and his possibilities were endless. Meg wouldn’t be the only one who couldn't resist his wide eyed gaze. It was early in the evening and Cas who usually wasn't one for parties decided that college was an “experience”, that whether he liked some things or didn't, he should at least try them.

Also he knew no one. He could be anyone here. Or more importantly he could finally be himself. So he agreed to let one of the guys in his dorm bring him along to this party.

He stood against the wall, drink in hand. Although he was alone he was kind of enjoying himself. Just watching people and the music was good. Eventually the alcohol would do its job and he was sure he'd get talking to some people. It was at this point he clocked a girl staring at him. He fidgeted, feeling a little uncomfortable. He could tell by her expression that she was more than interested. Cas felt almost guilty. It wasn't like that for him.

She made her way over to him, walking slowly. Cas could see that she was pretty, and what most guys would deem sexy. He just awkwardly sipped from his cup.

“Hey angel face, have we met?” Her voice was so smooth and Cas smiled.

“I'm Cas,” he introduced himself, being as friendly and not flirty as possible.

“Meg.” She tilted her head as though she was trying to understand him. And that was when she realised he wasn't interested. She rolled her eyes. She wasn't used to being passed up like this by guys. Cas kind of just stood like a robot, almost unsure of what to say. “Whatever,” she stated, flicking dark curls from her face and walked back over to where a group of girls – Cas guessed were her friends – were standing in a group.

It wasn't until later in the night that their paths crossed again. By the time half eleven rolled around Cas wasn't drunk but very merry. He had talked to so many people he'd lost count. Everyone from a different place with a different name studying a different thing.

Cas finally managed to find a staircase that he hoped would lead him to a bathroom. When he finally got up it, a little dizzy, there were so many doors along with people. Talking, kissing and laughing.

“S'cuse me” he mumbled as he made his way towards the first door, hoping this one would be the bathroom. Instead he found it was a bedroom, and an occupied one at that. A girl and a guy were on the bed, he was on top of her, but they both still had their clothes on. They hadn't noticed him. Of course with the alcohol in his system it took him a moment to register what was happening. But just as he turned to walk away, he heard her.

“... No, get off of me!” Her voice was angry. Cas turned to see that, actually she was struggling. He recognised her, the girl from earlier. Meg.

“Hey!” Cas managed, distracting the guy who had her pinned down just long enough so that she could squirm, and swiftly kick him between his legs. Cas winced. He rolled off of her and she swung her legs around, in an attempt to get off the bed. As she did she stumbled forward, and Cas reached to steady her. He put an arm around her waist and led her out of the room.

“Slut!” The guy called after them, but they just kept going. Cas could tell from her steps, and the way in which she tightly put an arm around his neck that she was very drunk. She grumbled to herself. He knew it was a long shot with her state but, “do you know which one the bathroom is?” he asked.

“At the end,” she lazily replied. When Cas opened the door with Meg still draped on him, he could have sung he was so happy to find that this in fact, was a bathroom. And surprisingly there was no one in it. He sat Meg down on the seat on the toilet.

He crouched down in front of her, wobbling a little as he moved, still a little light headed, from the stairs and then helping Meg.

“Are you okay?” he asked, noticing that her cheeks were wet.

“I can handle myself,” she stated, and leaned her head against the bathroom wall.

Cas pulled some paper towel off the roll beside her, and began to gently dry her cheeks. She didn't do anything; she just let him, staring off into the distance.

“How much did you drink?” he asked.

“Too much.” At this point he stood up to throw the tear-stained paper in the bin and her eyes followed him. “Angel face,” she smiled, recognising him.

 

Cas decided he didn't want to leave Meg alone so he took her back to her dorm. They actually lived in the same building; she was just two floors down. He sat in the corridor while she hurled in the bathroom and then tucked her up in bed with a glass of water.

“You saved me Clarence,” she gave a hazy smile; a little tired, a little drunk. And then she was out. Cas chuckled, he wasn't sure why she had called him Clarence. Perhaps she had it confused with Cas? Later on she would explain to him that Clarence was the name of an angel in her favourite Christmas movie, and that she thought he had the face of an angel, but more importantly, he acted like an angel to her that night and somehow she made some connection.

Before Cas left he found a piece of scrap paper and a pen. He scrawled a quick note and then left it on her bed side table. On it, he wrote his phone number and _‘Please call me when you wake so I know you're okay – Angel face’_

And that was how it began.

 

Over the year the pair became fast friends. It was an odd pairing but they complemented each other. They had so much fun in their first year together. They joined a bunch of societies and Cas found that he could actually open up to this girl. She was the first person he ever came out to. Honestly she already knew. Cas was sure she knew from the night they met. But in time he felt safe enough to share some of his deepest secrets with her, and she did too.

Meg was from Cheboygan. She originally ran away to LA to be an actress, but gave up, went home, came here. She was doing the whole school thing for her family. Trying to get back in their good books for taking off, she really didn’t want to do it. But she did. She told Cas about how she wanted to set a good example for her younger sister. She studies Art.

Cas wanted to study art too. In truth, he was a painter and that was one of the things the pair had in common. However his father disagreed. It's not that he didn't agree with Castiel being an artist, it's just that he wanted him to get a degree in something more _"substantial"_.

By the time Cas finished high school, it was just him and his father. His two brothers had moved away and the pair lived quietly together in Pontiac, Illinois. When Castiel found out he had earned a scholarship to study at Barden University in Atlanta, the deal was that Cas would study his second favourite subject, History and Politics.

When the pairs second year rolled around they decided they wanted to move out of dorms and get their own place. Meg's parents helped, along with both of them working during their studies and then like crazy during the summer. The flat was tiny, two bedrooms, a bathroom, a kitchen and paper walls but it was home. By late August they had moved in. It was literally minutes from campus and a five minute walk from the bar where Meg worked and about a 10 minute bus ride from Cas' job at a small café.

 

It was late February now but Cas hadn't been right since January.

“Castiel,” Meg pulled Cas from his daydream. “What happened?”

“It isn't what you think.” He stated.

“Well then what was it? You don’t exactly look like hugs and puppies,”

Cas tried to push the sinking feeling in his stomach away, the emptiness that made him want to vomit, again. His eyes blurred from the tears he didn't realise had come.

“I got a call.”

Meg was upset now. She slowly watched the tears travel down his face. How many tears had she seen Cas cry in the past months? Too many.

“From who?” she asked, although she had an inkling.

“From Him,” Cas simply replied. And then he led down on his back to stare at his ceiling. Meg was sure he wouldn't move for a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I used the second Meg Masters and the identity of that girl for Meg because she's my favourite version. And yes I borrowed "Barden University" in Georgia from Pitch Perfect, but wow what a film


	2. Chapter 2

**MID SEPTEMBER – JUST OVER 5 MONTHS AGO**

 

The fresher’s fair was heaving with people. Cas honestly didn't want to be here but who was he to say no to his team? The fair was held at the beginning of the year, every year. It was a place where the first years came to check out all the activities - besides classes – that went on around the university. Everything from sports teams to role play clubs; everyone welcome and at every stall a sign-up sheet.

As one of the editors, Cas had agreed to accompany two other members of the Barden Student Newspaper production team to the fair, in which they could talk to potential aspiring journalists taking an interest in wanting to write for the student newspaper.

He bustled in wearing his work uniform and carrying a large box of flyers. He had come straight there after his shift. Luckily Liddy (who was kind of like his editor in chief – third year) was already there along with that Jason kid who was a second year, but pretty much just a coffee boy for Liddy. He must have only written one or two short pieces that Liddy had actually decided were up to her standards and published. She was snooty but Cas tried to see past that.

They had pretty much set the whole stall up, they were just waiting on Cas with flyers. Liddy looked so relieved when she saw him although she didn't even greet him. Instead he quickly took off his work shirt and folded it neatly on a chair behind him and pulled a woolly old jumper from his bag and over his head. Comfort.

 

That was where Cas first met _Him_. If he had just known then what he did now, perhaps he would have ran. But he knew he wouldn't have. He would do the whole thing over again and take the worst if it meant the best too.

It must have been the plaid shirt that caught his attention or perfectly chiselled jaw. He walked through the hall slowly. Cas remembered how he didn't look as if he had a single care. Carrying a leaflet he'd rolled up in one hand. Not looking at anything in particular, just a content look on his face, he was happy just to be there.

Cas didn't realise that he was staring at him until he'd watched him walk almost an entire length of stalls opposite them. A girl’s voice pulled him from his gaze.

“Can I just take one of these?” She asked. Cas noticed the other two were busy talking to people and so he turned to face her. His head still somewhere else, thinking of the guy in the plaid shirt and black boots. Cas had kept his eye on him and now he almost worried that if he turned back he might be gone. Maybe he'd imagined him.

“Ur- yeah,” Cas stumbled. Remembering how his mouth worked. “There is some contact details on the back if you would like any more information,” he pointed, trying to be helpful.

“Thanks!” She smiled, and skipped off.

Immediately Cas looked back to where he'd left his gaze. He was still there, but this time he was the one looking at Cas. Caught. And before Cas could avert his eyes, they met. He remembered the way that those green eyes had pierced right through him, giving him shivers just for a moment. And then Cas looked away awkwardly. He began shuffling around the stall and tidying piles of papers and flyers and pens.

But within a minute he looked up to find him stood before him, just a table between them.

“Hi,” the boy said, giving Cas a gentle smile that had laughter behind it. Cas really liked the way his lips curved.

“Hi,” Cas mimicked, internally scolding himself for his originality.

They stood in silence but it was as though Cas couldn't hear anything else around them for the noise that rang between them. Words waiting to be spoken fogged the air.

“So the 'Barden Post'?” He asked, picking up a leaflet and slowly flicking through it.

“Yes.” Cas rushed. He was so nervous. He had no experience with boys. He had no experience with anyone. This feeling was new and it glued his feet to the floor. It made his tongue stick to the top of his mouth like peanut butter. All he wanted was to look at this boy forever. This feeling was a deep want.

“Freshman?” Clearly Cas could only manage one word communications at the moment. The guy had slight stubble but Cas could see that there was a younger face behind it. He was taller than Cas though. Not by much. But then again most guys were taller than Cas.

“Yeah,” he smiled; meeting his eyes again, those green eyes that would haunt him.

“Well, welcome to BU.” he said calmly.

“What exactly do you do here?” he gestured around him at the posters and papers.

“Oh,” Cas began. “We're a student run newspaper, for the students. We cover a wide range of things from events here at the college and things that happen locally. The paper is free and it’s a really great way to get some on the job experience or just do something besides studying.” The guy nodded. Cas hated how robotic he sounded: regurgitating lines that Liddy had preached to him yesterday.

“Are you interested in writing for our student newspaper?” Cas asked.

“Actually I was kinda just looking for an excuse to talk to you.” He gave a confident smile.

Cas was taken slightly aback by how forward he had been. He didn't really know what to say.

“I'm Dean. What’s your name?” he sounded almost smug, his eyes narrowing in on Cas. Could Cas see the hint of a cheeky smile? _Dean._ Forever the name on his lips. Like a sweet taste or a last kiss.

“C- Castiel, my name is Castiel.” He assured him, and himself.

“I'll see you around Castiel.” He concluded. And with that he continued walking on as he had before. Cas' eyes still trained on him. “I'm sure I will,” He spoke quietly. But it was too late; Dean was already out of sight.

 

A week or perhaps two later, he saw him again. A part of Cas wished that he couldn't remember any of it, because whenever he did it washed over him again. Not like a projector just playing the events back in his mind, but a wave. A wave that brought not just the images but the thoughts and the smells and tastes and memories and if Cas wasn't in bed (which was what he did mostly now a days) the moment would rush back to him, and just for a brief second, the same second just as he woke up in the mornings, he would forget. Forgot that then wasn't now, and it would take his legs from under him.

But there were moments he couldn't remember. And that pained him too. This was one of those memories. So important but yet blotched out by other memories. Slithers of gold that Cas held to for dear life and memories that hung over him like ash clouds, fogging all the rest.

Cas remembered he was at work and it was a quiet day as it wasn’t a peak time shift. Classes had just begun and he made his way around the tables, cleaning them and kindly giving top ups for the few people that were in there. He remembered they were quiet enough that he could sit behind the till on his phone, texting Meg and that his boss was able to stay out back pretty much the whole time.

He heard the bell of the door open and close and slipped his phone back in his pocket. When he looked up, there he was. Plaid shirt guy. Only this time he wore a dark shirt with something like another shirt over that and then a leather jacket. He remembered layers. And something he hadn't noticed before, a small faded pendant that hung around his neck. He gave Cas a smile with all teeth which made him nervous again. Cas knew he had an odd voice but he didn't want to sound like he was reading from a script to this guy. That’s if they actually did speak and Cas hoped he wouldn't just order coffee and go.

“Hello Castiel.” Cas calmed himself by remembering that he was wearing a name tag. Perhaps he had forgotten him, but Cas found out that wasn't the case.

“Hi... Dean isn't it?”

“Yeah,” he never stopped smiling.

And that’s when it cuts out. Kind of. He couldn't remember their exact words. He even wondered if Deans voice still sounded the way it did in his head but maybe he'd forgotten and he was making that up too.

Dean was smooth, he remembered that. And somehow Cas ended up on a break, drinking coffee with him. He also got Cas talking which was a feat that none too many had achieved. And in truth, Cas was an open book. It was just that he worried about boring people. His boss kept the shop going – she was a wonderful woman – and she didn't even bother them. The sparks between them were so obvious that everyone in the small place couldn't have missed them. Cas must have talked for what felt like minutes but was actually so much more.

He didn't know why this boy perused him but he did. Perhaps he was just trying to make friends but there was more. Like they had both noticed something in each other that they couldn't let go untouched. First they talked about the obvious things. Dean Winchester was a first year who honestly didn't think he was even going to get into college, let alone a half decent one like Barden. He was taking his first year in Engineering. Cas of course had no idea what this meant, and Dean just said he liked cars, and I know it sounds strange but he could feel motors and machines. In his head it was simple the way things fitted together. He'd been around a lot of garages when he was younger.

He was from Lawrence, Kansas. He liked guns which honestly, kind of scared Cas. And he found it kind of strange considering Cas thought he had a sweet disposition. He seemed like the kind of guy to act tough on the outside but once you got through to the inside he was just as marshmallow as the rest of us. He also loved pie. He didn't actually say this – but Cas could tell from the way he devoured three slices in front of him.

Cas liked the way he could go from breezy to intense. And right when Cas thought they were having light and friendly conversation, he might slip something in, something that insinuated that Dean was more than interested.

There were moments when their eyes didn't leave each other. Floating away in their own little bubble. Cas liked being in his company, he didn't want it to end. He remembered the way Dean had looked at him when he explained that he was really an artist. But he could only paint and draw.

Dean scoffed at that, only. But it was the way that Dean hung on his every word. The way in which once Cas got started talking about his art, the words became so much easier to him and they just flowed right out. It was as though his words glided through the air and into Dean, he looked almost mesmerized.

For days Cas would replay the moment back in his mind, when both him and Dean exchanged phones to put each other’s numbers in. And the way their fingers brushed at one point. Causing Cas to blush but Dean to smile.

 

It was just days later when they shared their first kiss. They had spent the evening together at one of the student bars on campus. Cas hadn't had as much to drink as Dean and it was around half eleven that Cas wanted to go because he had class in the morning.

Dean pulled a sour face at this which made Cas laugh.

“Come on,” he said. “I'll walk you back to your dorm.”

They put on their coats. Dean washed back the last of his drink and rather badly balanced, navigated his was out of the place behind Cas. He stumbled as they walked out the door and Cas caught him, making the pair of them laugh and Dean almost fall over again. Cas put an arm around Deans waist, and Dean leant on Cas, putting his own arm around Cas' neck.

“Don't go hooome,” Dean sang in his ear.

Cas just laughed. “C'mon...” Dean encouraged. “Skip class, take a risk! Stay out with me,”

Dean stumbled again over his own feet. Cas remembered how close they were, their bodies side by side. And when Dean turned to talk to him he could feel his warm breath on his cheeks.

Cas wasn't sober and he could tell by how badly he kept Dean upright and the fits of laugher Dean would send him into every time the pair almost toppled over. But he tried to breathe in as much of the fresh air as he could.

They weren't too far from Deans building now, and they turned the corner to walk alongside it towards to the entrance.

“Caaasss,” Dean said again.

“Where would we go?” Cas asked.

“Anywhere!” Dean was quite breathless at this point and he broke away from Cas to stand still for a moment. Cas turned to look back at him, a little breathless himself. He stepped forward to help him forward again.

“Anywhere sounds tiring.” Cas commented. But he was smiling.

“Oh, not with you,” Dean laughed.

He stood up properly so that they were face to face and their eyes met in the dark.

They admired each other’s faces in the glow of the moon and the street lights. Cas watched while Dean took him all in, his eyes wondering from his hair and then his cheeks. When they landed on his lips they hovered for just a moment. Neither of them moving, Cas could almost tell what was coming. For a moment Cas thought he could see something in Deans eyes. A questioning glint but also a spark of desire.

Then Dean smiled a small smile. It wasn't that Cas didn't want to kiss Dean because he did. It was just that he was so nervous that all the butterflies that had been slightly stirring in him all night were now fluttering from wall to wall, banging at their cage. It glued Cas to the spot again.

And when Dean leaned towards him, tilting his head ever so slightly as not to hit their noses together, all Cas could do was close his eyes, and slowly melt as he felt Deans lips gently brush his.

Right then Castiel felt pure. Not numb, like he did now. The alcohol drained from his system and he was almost sober. With Deans lips against his he moved without even thinking - like somehow even if his mind couldn't fathom it his body could. Their lips moved slowly and Cas liked how they fit together along with their small breaths. Dean moved to put his hands on Cas' cheeks. They were so warm against his chilly face.

Cas couldn't really taste that much alcohol and looking back it was just so... lovely. They both leaned into each other as just kissing became not enough. And Cas put his arms around Dean, hugging him closer.

Cas opened his eyes as Dean pulled away. Cas was still unsure of what to make of the moment. He looked down at his feet awkwardly, but a small smile played on his lips. Dean put a finger under Cas' chin, and lifted it so their eyes met.

“Goodnight Castiel.” his voice was quiet and husky. He walked towards his building, looking back just as he turned the corner. Cas could barely see, though he was sure he was smiling.


	3. Chapter 3

**OCTOBER – JUST UNDER 5 MONTHS AGO**

 

Cas stood outside his apartment building, hands in his pockets, patient. It was only October but he wore his coat and favourite dark red scarf. Perhaps the cold weather was going to come early this year. He'd had a text from Dean telling him that he was on his way to pick him up. The pair were going away for a weekend trip together.

Meg seemed apprehensive of this when Cas told her about it.

 

“Don't you think things are moving a little fast?”

“Not at all,” Cas' eyebrows narrowed, puzzled.

Meg moved around the kitchen briskly, putting dishes into their sink. “We're just going up state for two days. Dean wants to take me to this art museum that he thinks I'll really love.” He smiled to himself at how cute he thought that was. She turned to give him a stare. “And we're going to stay at his sisters, who actually lives in north Georgia, and then we're coming back,”

“Wait, I thought he had a brother?” she asked, turning to face him.

“He does, and a sister too,”

Meg mouthed an 'Oh'. “Just please be safe,”

Cas sighed. “Dean isn't dangerous?”

“Yeah. But sex is.” She retorted.

Cas' eyes widened. “Meg we've done nothing!”

“Oh really? Cause that's not what I heard two nights ago, 'Oh Dean, oh yeah'” she mimicked.

Cas shook his head. So yeah, maybe Dean's hand had found its way into Cas' underwear at one point, but besides making out, that was pretty much as far as they'd gone.

“I'm going.” Cas stated. And that was the conversation over.

 

Cas wondered how Dean could even afford a car and keep it running, being a student and all. But Dean said he would pick him up, so he wouldn't question. Moments later a dark old thing pulled up in front of him and Dean stepped out of it, beaming.

“This is your car?” Cas asked.

“And a good morning to you too,” Dean stepped forward to plant a kiss on his cheek.

Cas took a slow step towards the vehicle. He barely noticed as Dean picked up his small bag that he'd pack for the trip and put it in the trunk.

“What is it?” Cas asked, looking up at Dean as he closed the trunk and walked back towards him.

“This baby is a '67 Chevy Impala,” He gave a gratified smile.

Cas didn't know a lot about cars but it was handsome and so... Dean.

“Isn't she a beaut?” He slid one of his hands across the car, admiring it himself. Cas just nodded.

“Well she's open, so hop in, we best get going.” Dean said, moving towards Cas and the driver’s door.

Cas walked around the front of the car, taking it all in as he slid in shotgun. He ran his hands over the black leather seats and the dark creamy dashboard:  vintage but still in an amazing condition. Dean smiled as he watched Cas' explore his baby. “She's not mine, but my Dad is letting me borrow her while he's away.” Dean made himself comfortable and they set off.

The museum was in Dalton and Emily, Dean's older sister lived just on the outskirts. They were pretty sure the trip would only take them 2 hours at the most, but probably less depending on whether or not Dean wanted to avoid highways. Dean admitted that he had never actually done this drive before. His sister was always the one who came to visit them at home after she moved out and that wasn't long before Dean had started college. He hadn't even seen her new place yet.

Cas was a little nervous about meeting a member of Deans family but sooner rather than later Cas guessed.

 

Looking back the colours still seem so vivid. The clear blue sky and the trees a bright orange. Cas felt so secure with Dean. He half watched the world go by, his window slightly ajar bringing a cool breeze over him. And he half watched Dean, at one with his vehicle. Cas unlocked his phone to snap a picture. In that moment, he was completely content. Dean turned towards him briefly when he heard the click, but when he saw how happy Cas looked. And how much he cared for him, he didn't protest. They drove in almost silence but it wasn't awkward, the quiet hum of the radio in the background. Cas was barely listening but then he recognised the tune.

“I love this song,” Cas reached over to turn up the dial for the volume as he began to sing along, “And even as I wonder, I'm keeping you in sight. You're a candle in the window on a cold dark winter’s night...”

Dean shook his head. “REO Speedwagon?” he laughed, “Seriously?”

Cas just shrugged and continued to enjoy it. However before the song had even finished they were both belting their hearts out. “... if I have to crawl upon the floor, come crashing through your door, baby I can't fight this feeling anymore!”

Cas was in hysterics as Dean punched the steering wheel for dramatic effect, swaying to the guitar.

 

About half an hour later they talked while Dean drove. That kind of warm conversation that Cas only met in his dreams now. Cas had asked Dean about what Emily and Sam were like.

“Emily looks like our mother – they're both beautiful. She's older than me, and although she's out numbered, she's still tougher than me and my brother put together.” He breathed a laugh. “And Sammy well, he's four years younger than me so he'll always be my kid brother. But I’m sure he's making out to be taller than I am. I'm closer to him than Emily. My Dad used to take us out hunting a lot y'know, whenever he was home. Sam is still in high school but I know he's going to do well.” Dean kept his eyes on the road. Cas noticed how this whole thing, talking about yourself, seemed almost foreign to Dean. Which was sad because he loved his voice.

“He's... just so smart. Not like me,” Dean blushed. He cleared his throat. “What are your brothers like?”

Cas hadn't talked to anyone about his family besides Meg. But he trusted Dean.

“Gabe and Zach are good men. None of us were incredibly close. Gabe was probably the closest to our father but even he kept his distance from us. After the death of our mother, none us really knew how to be affectionate and we just... we only communicated when we needed to. I miss them sometimes but they have their own lives now and they visit or call on holidays.”

For Dean, family was number one. It always had been. And although his father was away a lot, for sometimes years at a time, Dean would give anything to have the kind of courage his father did. At one point, being a marine was all he wanted to do. Be like his Dad. They were the people that could hurt him the most, but also the ones that he would lay down his life for in a moment. He couldn't understand how Cas, when talking about his family, could be so nonchalant. Dean figured that there were a lot of things he wouldn't understand about Cas' family.

 

Cas was certain Dean didn't know where they were going. It was almost coming up to 2 hours in the car and Dean had come off the highway and was now taking smaller roads instead. At least it was only around 11am. Cas thought about saying something but he didn't want to offend Dean. He could tell he was the kind to tell him to shut his cake hole, I know where I’m going. Castiel smiled at that and continued to look out the window.

Dean hated that he couldn't watch Cas, and that the road was what needed his attention instead. His beautiful bright eyes took everything in as it moved past them. He caught Cas smiling and the serene look on his face had him caught. Just for a moment and then...

“Son of a bitch!” Dean yelled as he slammed down the brakes. He hadn't noticed that the lights ahead of him were now red and the pair of them lurched forward and then harshly fell back into their seats.

“Are you okay?!” Dean looked over Cas, panic in his eyes.

“Fine.. I'm fine.” Cas was fine, just surprised. And then out of nowhere, he started laughing. Laughing because Dean was a great driver and in that moment he wasn't. Laughing because he was in a car with a guy he really liked and they were spending the two days together, laughing because he was nervous about meeting Emily. He just couldn't stop himself.

“Why are you laughing?” Dean was unable to understand the wild laugher. Cas just shook his head, laughing more. “Cas? Cas.” Dean’s face was serious. But Cas just leaned his head back over the seat. Eventually Dean, was so confused and entertained by Cas' fit, he began laughing himself.

Not long after, Dean found a sign for Dalton and Cas was so happy he leaned over to kiss him on the cheek.

 

The art gallery was something that slipped Cas' mind more than other things. Instead he just remembered the way Deans hand felt in his as he led him through the huge rooms. He noticed Dean more than any of the art that was on the walls, though it was wonderful. Just the architecture itself was striking.

And Dean was right, Emily was beautiful just like her brother. She had a petite but finely toned body but he couldn't remember what she did for a living. She lived alone but her house had four bedrooms and three bathrooms, two of which were en suite.

Dean introduced Cas as his 'friend' but between the three of them they all knew a little more was going on. They ordered in, pizza or something. Emily showed Cas to his room. Her house seemed very... plain. It wasn't very lived in and she was yet to make it her own, but Cas felt welcome. Cas excused himself before them and when he reached the top of the stairs he was almost certain he heard them arguing in a whisper. Something like _What's going on? I love you but I’m confused... Shh it's different... Dad's going to flip Dean!_

The first seeds of doubt were planted in Cas' mind. Was Dean not out to his family? Although a million questions circled his mind, when his head hit the pillow he was gone.

 

The drive home the next day was longer. But this time it wasn't because they got lost. Somewhere along the line they were talking and then flirting. Cas put his hand on Deans leg. He was trying to say thank you for a wonderful trip, by sweetly kissing him along his jaw, pretty much forgetting that he was trying to drive. And when Cas slowly ran his hand down Deans thigh, he had to completely stop the car.

They ended up off road down some beaten track somewhere, making out in the back seat. Cas laid back while Dean got on top of him. Their bodies writhing against each other. His fingers clawed against the leather and he hoped no one could hear him moan as Dean went down on him.

They opened the windows as they waited for the steamed up wind shield to clear. Cas shivered for a moment realising he wasn't wearing his scarf. He pulled his bag out the trunk, before they set off - rooting through it, but nothing. His scarf must still be at Emily's.

“Don't worry about it,” Dean said. “I'll get it back for you next time I visit.” He assured Cas. He didn't really need to, it wasn't like Cas was emotionally attached to the scarf. It was just a scarf.


	4. Chapter 4

**MID OCTOBER – JUST OVER 5 MONTHS AGO**

 

Cas wasn't the same person now as he had been 6 months ago. He would spend days on end thinking about that self and wondering if he might ever get it back. He wondered if he could, or if he even wanted to.

For a short time everything was different. And now it was the same again. All the same. All except Cas. For a while he couldn't even be in his apartment. He stayed at his studio, night and day. But he created nothing. He missed Dean’s things cluttering up his room and the smell of him on his sheets. For a whole week he couldn't sleep in that bed – too many memories there. The floor felt better.

They had made love for the first time in that bed. The memories of that day always came flooding back as the levees in his mind broke. A crystal clear picture.

 

Cas led Dean to a large red bricked building that wasn't a far walk from Cas' apartment. He pulled out a set of keys unlocking a door and taking Dean into a small hallway. This was what Cas always had to do when he came to his studio. Lock doors after himself, walk through the small hallway and up stairs to the first floor, then another set of stairs to the second floor, and then right to the end of the corridor. Dean stayed silent, just following. Cas pulled out his keys again and shifted through them until he got one which unlocked the large door, sliding it to the right.

Inside was Cas' haven. His safe place. He was the only one who had the key, and no one but him came in here besides his landlord, and now Dean. Dean’s eyes lit up as he took the room in. It was hardly the art gallery Dean had taken Cas to. Just tall brick walls painted white. A long room crowded with canvases and paint and paper and desks, stools, easels.

“So this is where the magic happens?” Dean laughed.

“The deal was that if I did a degree in something my dad saw fit, like history and politics, I could still paint, on the side. He pays the rent for this place.”

Dean stepped towards Cas, focusing on him now rather than the paintings stacked up against the walls. “He must really love you,” Dean traced the bottom of Cas' jaw with his finger.

“I just really wanted to study art and he was prepared to go this far to stop me,”

“Still...” Dean’s lips formed a line. “You don't need to study art, look at this place,” he turned from Cas, holding his arms out in front of him. “You're like a freaking Picasso,” He picked up one of the paintings and held it up to admire.

“I am not, put that down.” Cas shook his head.

“Why did you bring me here, if you don't think your work is good enough to be looked at?” Dean questioned, slowly stepping back towards him.

“You wanted to see it,”

“I wanted to see you,” Cas was stumped, he cocked his head at Dean, eyes narrowed. “When we first talked, properly at the café, you told me that you were most yourself, when you were in here.” Dean pointed down towards his feet. “This is you. I can see it. I saw it in you the first time we met. You dull yourself down, and you say you're plain, but on the inside you look like this!” Dean stretched his arms out. “I don't know why you stood out to me that day like some holy light but you did.” Dean was so animated in his words; Cas had never seen him like that before. He'd seen the joy, similar to when he was talking about his family but this was joy mixed with passion. A fire that made Cas ache for him, more now than ever before.

Cas had a lump in his throat. He barely squeezed the words out. “What's your point?”

“You're brilliant Castiel,” Dean moved his face close to him, gazing in his eyes. “Don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise.”

That was it. Cas brought himself forward. No more cowardly blue eyed boy. His lips crashed into Deans. They moved fast, but not fast enough. Their arms came around each other. Grabbing and pulling at whatever they could get a hold of, in a desperate attempt to be closer to one another. Their bodies hummed. Dean’s lips tasted so sweet, and he bit his lip as his fingers found his face and hair.

Cas pulled away, breathless and a little light headed.

“Let’s go,” Cas said, taking Deans hand and turning towards the door.

“Where?”

“Back to mine,” Cas tugged. Once they made it out of the building they were running. Hand in hand they made through the streets and finally into Cas' apartment building. Meg was out, thank God, he didn't remember where.

As soon as they were through the door, their lips were together again, grasping at each other’s clothes with a furious craving.

They had made it down the hall into Cas' room. In just their underwear, they moved slower now. Dean pulled Cas underneath him, sheltering him with his body. Cas kept his arms wrapped around Dean's neck. They could feel each other through the cotton, ready. Every tender kiss and touch of flesh scorching against Cas' skin.

“Dean,” he moaned as he trailed kisses along Cas' collar bone. Deans hands moving to grasp either side of Cas' hips. “Dean wait,” he panted, his voice cracking. Dean brought his head up above him, placing his hands, either side of Cas' head. A pained look on his face. “Are you okay?” he asked.

“Yeah, yeah,” he breathed, smiling in reassurance. “I just...” he moved his hand up to place it gently on Deans cheek. Dean leant into it and Cas moved his thumb backwards and forwards across his soft skin.

“I'm afraid.” Cas admitted.

“Of me?” Dean asked. Cas shook his head.

“Of getting hurt,” Dean could see the liquid in Cas' eyes and it scared him. He began shaking his head.

“I'll be gentle,” he spoke, coming forward to kiss Cas again. An intense kiss that still clung on their lips as Dean pulled away.

“Not like that,” Cas looked away from him and Dean finally understood what he meant.

“Castiel look at me,” He held Cas' face in his palms now. “I don't know exactly who I am, or why I want you. I'm not even sure I know what this is, but hell, I know I’ve never felt this way about anyone else before. And I will promise you this: The last thing I want to do is hurt you.”

Cas was crying now, tears that slowly leaked from the side of his eyes. He was sure he could see Dean welling up too.

“Promise,” Cas whispered. “Don't hurt me, don't leave me.” His words came out fast and fumbling.

“I promise, I promise,” Dean told him, bringing their foreheads together to rest against one another’s. Wiping the wet from Cas' face. Cas pulled Dean in close, his arms around his neck as Dean rested his face in the crook of his neck.

When their breathing had become less intense, Cas spoke.

“I trust you Dean.” he said stroking his hair as Dean sat up to look at him. “I want you to be my first,” he nodded, smiling. “I want you inside of me.”

 

It was as though their bodies moved as one. It was a little painful at first for Cas. But after a while it was good, and then _really_ good. He memorised the curve of Deans muscles, running his hands down to the small of his back sending Dean fluttering and driving into him. Slow, deep thrusts at first. Meeting each one with a kiss, their eyes bore into one another. Until they grew quicker. Thrashing as their bodies unfolded into one another. It was a blur of skin and gasps, Dean’s hands exploring every inch of Cas. Dean treated Cas with devotion. His radiant body, curving into him, sending Cas reeling, his body clenching and back arching, until they both fell over the edge. There were no words, only moans and Cas had never heard himself make the sounds that burst from his lungs. Cas tried to place the feeling, bliss, euphoria even. His whole body quaked beneath him as Dean finally finished too.

Sending him into collapse on Cas chest, until he rolled over beside him. He reached down to take Cas' hand.

“You're shaking,” Dean laughed as he panted. Cas couldn't speak. He just lied there, fervent. Spaced out and slap-happy. A smile plastered on his face. He missed the feeling already, of Dean inside of him. Filling him until he burst. But it was okay, because he laid next to him. Cas rolled over onto his side. A little tender but he was more exhausted. Cas watched as Dean cleaned himself up. Taking the condom off and putting his underwear on. Then he laid back down on the bed beside him, smiling. He closed his eyes. Cas grabbed the first item of clothing he could find, which turned out to be Dean's black ACDC t-shirt, pulled it over his head and laid back down with Deans arm under him and his hand on Dean's chest. Tracing circles with his fingers.

“Dean?” Cas wondered if he was still awake.

“Hmm...” Dean responded, but he didn't open his eyes. Cas waited, holding back his words. A while passed, probably 10 minutes, and both of their breathing had reached relaxed now.

“I love you Dean,” Cas whispered, although Dean was already asleep.

 

By the end of October and into November, when Cas wasn't working they spent half their time in classes and the other half in bed with each other. A happy concoction of kisses and laughing and touching. Eventually every night rolled into one is Castiel's memory.

Dean looked on as Castiel poured through his things in his tiny dorm room, taking his time over his CD collection. His room was only a little smaller than Cas', or maybe that was because Cas' bed was a little bigger. A tiny cupboard for clothes, a sink, desk and bedside cabinet.

“You should see my record collection at home,” Dean got up, slipping his arms around Cas' waist from behind. “It's nothing compared to the tape collection that’s in my car,” Cas could feel Dean smile against his neck. Cas traced his finger's over a small collection of family photos. Dean with his brother and Dad. With his mother and father. A picture of Emily at what looked like her graduation with his mother. A picture of Deans parents with two other people Dean had never mentioned. And a picture of Dean with a blonde girl. This picture caught his eye. Dean had his arm around her, smiling as she laughed.

“Who's that?” Cas asked.

Dean looked up. “That’s Joe, she's an old friend. And that's her parents, my uncle Bobby and aunt Ellen,” Dean pointed at the photo of his parents with two other people. “They're not really family but I've known them all since I was a kid. Bobby well, he's like a second father to me,”

“She looks like more than a friend,” Cas commented, fiddling with his hands.

Dean hugged him tighter. “She always kind of had a thing for me,” Dean sounded smug. “And, I don't know it just seemed like everyone was expecting us to... I don't know, be childhood sweet hearts or something?”

“Is that what you wanted?”

“No... I mean I love Joe but... It's not the same,”

“Not the same as what?”

Dean shrugged. “This?”

Cas moved away from Dean and the photos, towards other things, text books that looked relatively untouched. He wanted to ask Dean what 'this' was because he wasn't even too sure himself.

“Hey I've been meaning to ask you,” Dean said. “What are you doing for thanksgiving?”

Cas turned to look at him. “I don't know, why?”

“Do you want to come up and spend it with me and my family?”

“In Lawrence?”

“Yeah,” Dean moved forward to take his hands. “You'll enjoy it, and you can meet my family.”

“Won’t they mind?” Cas wondered.

“Why would they mind me bringing a friend to stay for the holidays?” Dean asked. There was that word again, 'friend'. Cas was pretty sure 'friends' didn't do what they'd just done. “Besides my Dad isn't even going to be there, he's still going to be overseas.” So it was Dad he was worried about. Cas wasn't sure what he wanted to do, looking at the floor.

“My mom is expecting me home but if you don't come with me, I'm not going.”

“That’s stupid,”

“Please?” Dean pulled a puppy eyed face and how could Cas resist?

“Okay,” Cas nodded, making Dean smile. Cas wished he'd said no, but it made Dean so happy. Dean pulled Cas into a hug, wrapping his huge arms around him. Eventually Cas pulled away. For some reason he wasn't in the best of moods. He knew it was probably due to him being jealous of that beautiful Joe girl, and Cas felt so tense about meeting more of Deans family. Would Joe be there too? And then of course there was the F word that made Cas feel sick to his stomach with the idea that Dean didn't feel the same way as he did. But how could he not? With everything he's said and done. Cas didn't like being so unsure all the time.

But when they were together, just the two of them alone it was as though everything else washed away. There were no labels or declarations just clean slates. And above all Dean had promised he wouldn't hurt Cas. Cas turned away from Dean's confused expression and the pair stood in silence until Castiel noticed something red poking out of Dean's bedside drawer.

“What's that?” he asked. He was sure it was fabric.

“Uhh...” Dean stuttered. Cas walked over and opened the drawer. He knew he recognised it.

He picked it up to show to Dean. “Is this my scarf?”

Dean looked away, biting his lip. “Uh... yeah,”

“Why do you still have it?” Cas laughed.

Dean shrugged. “When I got it back last weekend after going to see Emily, I guess I just kind of held onto it.” Dean walked forward and took it from Cas' hand.

“Why?” Dean sat down on the bed, fiddling with it.

“It smells like you,” he blushed.

Cas didn't know what to say. So instead he took it from Deans hand and put it neatly back in the drawer. “Keep it,” he said, closing the drawer and walking back over to Dean. He sat down beside him, smiling. He pulled Deans face towards him, he could see he was still a little embarrassed. He kissed him and Dean kissed him back, hesitant at first and then ferociously. Dean leaned back and Cas pulled his leg round so that he was sat on Deans lap, taking his face in his. Dean gazed up at Cas, waiting for his next move, a wicked half smile on his lips.

“Besides, I have you to keep me warm now.” Cas smiled. They laughed as they kissed, Dean falling backwards onto the bed, with Cas straddling him.

Their clothes gone, Cas stayed there. He liked the power of towering over Dean. Deans thumbs dug into the pale, delicate skin at Cas' hips as he slowly sank onto his cock.

Dean was defenceless as Cas' rode him, throwing his head back in pleasure. Cas smiled down at him in delight. Faster and faster and harder and harder until... nothing. Cas froze, leaving Dean hanging, just before he reached his climax. His eyes opened wide. “Cas,” he begged, “Please?”

Cas gently moved, taking Dean out of him. Then swiftly he bent down and took him in his mouth. Dean's head reeled back again. Cas only had to work over him for a moment and then he hit his sweet spot. Cas swallowed and watched him as he twitched. Laughing.

Dean was smiling too, yet he seemed more exhausted than Cas.

Cas crawled up to lie beside him, giving him a small kiss on the forehead.

“I'm sorry baby,” Cas mock apologised, rubbing Dean's chest. “It just would have been so messy otherwise.” He laughed.

“Oh really?” Dean rolled to face him, eyes wide. With that he reached down and groped Cas. A small high moan escaping from his lips. “Perhaps I like it messy?” Dean suggested. Taking Cas in his hand and aggressively kissing his neck.


	5. Chapter 5

**NOVEMBER– A LITTLE OVER 4 MONTHS AGO**

 

November seemed to go by in a flash. Days spent studying, lounging around, and sometimes in the studio. They saw each other in between classes or shifts. Getting drunk in the bar where Meg worked so that they could spend time with her and she was desperately trying to save for Christmas. Dean had a key to Cas' apartment now and although Meg wasn't the friendliest towards him, Cas liked him there. He would come in, smelling of the cold and Dean would put his crisp hands on Cas causing him to squirm and jump. They spent almost every day together; Cas began to accumulate Dean's plaid shirts and never managed to persuade him to let him drive the impala. He often just ended up bent over in the back seat - the cold leather, soft against his cheeks. The musky smell mixed with the smell of Dean draped over him, making him completely his own.

 

One night Cas woke to a cold empty bed. “Dean?” he called out, but no reply. He could hear movement in the kitchen. He hugged his sweatshirt closer to him. He was only in that and his underwear.

The kitchen was pitch black besides the faint glow of the refrigerator light. He could see Dean, bent down, peering inside. He hummed gently and Cas could recognise his stature anywhere.

“Dean,” Cas spoke, walking towards him. He seemed to have his headphones in. “Dean,” Cas said quietly, lightly touching him on the shoulder.

Dean jumped, swirling around and almost hitting Cas is the face.

“Shit!” He cried. But Cas was laughing so hard, he was almost crying. Dean gripped the kitchen cabinet to steady himself. “You almost gave me a heart attack!” he fumbled, pulling a headphone out.

“What are you doing?” Cas laughed. Dean had propped open the fridge door with a carton of milk, and it shone in strange patterns on their faces. Neither of them awake enough to turn the overhead light on, too bright.

“I was hungry!” Dean smiled.

“Are you coming back to bed?”

“I can't really sleep...” Dean said.

“Are you okay?” Cas walked towards him, playing with his hands so that they brushed Dean's stomach.

“Yeah,” Dean yawned. “I don't know, I guess sleep doesn't agree with me tonight.”

“May I?” Cas gestured towards his hanging headphone and put it in his ear. Luckily it was some slow Stones; otherwise there was no way he would have been able to deal with it at this hour. Cas closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against Dean's chest, hugging his arms around Dean’s waist. They rested there for a moment and then he had an idea.

“Come here,” Cas said, taking the phone from Deans hand and pausing the music.

“What are you doing?” Dean said, as he patiently watched him.

Cas searched through his music. He must have it somewhere. Bingo. He unplugged the earphones and let the song play out quietly. It echoed horribly on the tiles but Cas didn't care.

“Cas?” Cas just pulled the headphones from his ear, gently taking out Deans, and placed the phone on the counter.

“Oh no,” Dean said, figuring out what was coming.

REO Speedwagon played quietly as Cas took Deans hands, tugging him. “Dance with me?” Dean was amazed at how his blue eyes still twinkled in the small glow.

“I don't dance.” he stayed rooted to his spot.

“Please?” Cas asked.

Dean stepped forwards, wrapping his arms around Cas' waist. Cas beamed, pulling himself up to snake his arms around Dean’s neck, his head resting on his chest. They rocked slowly, wrapped in each other.

“I feel like I’m at some high school dance,” Dean laughed. And Cas felt his chest vibrate with the sound.

“I never went to any of those,” Cas told him.

“Me neither,” Dean admitted.

It was in this moment, in those earlier hours of the morning, in that tiny kitchen that Cas realised how in love he was with Dean. It wasn't that he wanted him anymore, but he needed him. It scared Cas how he put this spark eyed boy at the top of his list. And how much his existence had become to mean to him. All those moments just feeling him breathe or watching him sleep came to this: being dragged head first without looking back into that delicate rush. Cas thought for a moment that he might be going mad. It wasn't even as if Dean was perfect or that he always called when he said he would. Sometimes he irritated Cas so much he ended up pacing rooms or cursing his name. It wouldn't ever be picture perfect, it wasn't that easy. Cas loved the way in which Dean said everything he needed to hear, and everything he didn't want to. He loved the way he felt comfortable on a knife edge, balancing on a tight rope. But he wanted someone that made him wait, someone who disregarded his need for personal space. But he couldn't change his mind, not now that he was already flying through the free fall.

Cas looked up to see Deans face. “Where have you been Dean Winchester?”

The kitchen floor was now holy ground, as they danced together in a state of grace.

 

Thanksgiving came and the pair didn't have to tell each other what they were thankful for, they already knew. They set off Wednesday afternoon to make the drive for Lawrence. Dean's home was big, with a large open plan kitchen and dining area, and big archways that led to a sitting room. Dean's family we're the sweetest people. They were all there – except John, but Mary made sure they said a prayer for him at the table. Sam was so witty, as funny as his brother. So smart – like Dean had said. Cas talked to Sam at length about high school and college and his aspirations for Stanford. There was no doubt that he wouldn't be making his way to sunny California in a few years’ time. Cas caught up with Emily and thanked her for their stay at her place, he was sure they talked about more but he couldn't remember.

Dean's mother was everything Cas missed in only growing up with a father. She prepared them the most wonderful feast. Turkey and mash and a whole bunch of fall vegetables.

Cas even got to meet Bobby, Ellen and Joe. Cas was as polite to Joe as he could be but he didn't like the way she was around Dean. She clearly still felt something for him. And Cas hated the way he couldn't do anything, him and Dean were” just friends” after all. But the way she looked at Cas, it was like she knew something was going on between them. As though she knew why Dean had turned her down and what he was.

Cas didn't realise how often he used his hands for Dean and rather than sitting and fiddling with them he helped Mary out as much as he could. She protested but he wouldn't have it, and Ellen took a shine to him. When Dean introduced Cas to Bobby he liked him immediately. He seemed stern and sullen but once they got talking he was so sarcastic, Cas loved it. Commenting about how he had no idea how Dean got into college with a brain like his, the ‘idjit’. However at one point he overheard the pair talking like he had at Emily's. For some reason Bobby was warning Dean. Asking him what on earth he was doing and that if his dad found out he was going to need to get the hell out of dodge.

So perhaps everyone could see it, Cas thought.

Dean showed Cas his record collection. He poured over the Led Zeppelin and then the Foreigner, and Blue Oyster Cult. He sat in Deans pretty much empty room, all his stuff being at Barden, and thought about the boy who had spent his life here.

 

When they had piled down and the house still smelt like stuffing Mary, Cas and Emily finished the washing up between them, setting down at the breakfast bar for a drink, the others still at the table, talking amongst themselves.

“Hey Cas, do you think you could pull me down that black book over there?” She asked, gesturing to a book case alongside the dining table.

Cas picked it up and brought it over to her. It was thick and heavy and she put it on the counter. Everyone else had realised what she was doing and began to crowd around. It was a photo album. Dean blushed as they went through his baby photos. Pictures of him in his crib or in the bath. His mother explained every photo in which he held a school certificate or how she couldn't put him to sleep without singing _Hey Jude_. She pointed out his friend _so and so_ and _this was his old tee ball team_. Pictures of him with guitars or looking sulky as he donned headphones that were too big for him. Smiling as he sat in a field of a bed, wearing glasses. There were pictures of Emily too, and Sam. Cas smiled at how cute they looked. That was his past, and now Cas hoped he was his future.

Cas felt lonely trying to sleep in the guest bedroom. He picked up his phone, typing a message to Dean.

_Wish you were here_

He sent, and Cas got a reply almost immediately.

_You know I would be if I could_

Cas signed.

_What's stopping you?_

He flirted.

_This is my PARENTS house_

Cas laughed.

_Goodnight then_

Cas typed, although he was sure he wasn't going to get any sleep.

_Goodnight Castiel_

Cas laid his head back with a scowl.

 

The drive home was a silent one. Cas mostly slept as they drove through the night. Stopping only briefly in St Louis and then again in Nashville. Cas was glad to finally be alone with Dean again but he had so many questions.

When they arrived back at Cas' place Meg was still away visiting her family so they made love right there one the hall floor. Everything they had pent up finally released.

 

Cas sat on the edge of his bed, waiting for Dean to come out of the shower. He was jittery, and he felt like crying. But he had to do it.

Dean came in wearing just a towel. He noticed the look on Cas' face immediately.

“Is everything okay?” He asked, coming towards Cas but he held his hands out.

“Just, put some clothes on.”

Dean pulled on jeans and a t, kneeling down to sit in front of Cas.

“Cas please talk to me,” Cas looked Dean in the face. Cas hated remembering this moment. It was prickly in his head, making him feel sick.

“What are we Dean?” He asked, his mouth a fine line. Dean's eyebrows narrowed. “Are we just friends?” Dean shook his head.

“Cas-”

“Are you ashamed of me?” Cas' interrupted. He couldn't stop the tears now. “Ashamed of us?”

“No...”

“Then why?” Cas got up walking away from Dean. His voiced was raised this time. “Tell me what’s happening, tell me how you feel!”

Dean squeezed his eyes shut, placing his fingers on the bridge of his nose, standing up. Cas ran his fingers through his hair.

“Why don't you tell me how _you_ feel?” Dean asked. “About me,” Cas just shook his head. “Ahh c'mon,” Dean said, “I thought we were sharing,”

“I know there are things I haven't said to you Dean. But that’s only because I'm afraid you won’t feel the same.”

“Why do I have to tell you? Haven't I shown you? You've met my entire family for Christ's sakes,”

Then they yelled for a little more until Dean walked out. And that was their first real fight.

 

Cas just sat and cried with regret. Cas knew he had to do it but he forgot how much he loved Dean, needed him. He wished he'd never done it but he did. His eyes we're red raw by the time Dean came back.

“Cas?” He heard him gently call. And Cas came running out of his bedroom and into Deans arms.

“I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!” he sobbed into Dean’s chest.

Dean pulled Cas away sobbing himself. He put his hands on Cas' shoulders.

“I can't! I can't!” He cried, his knees giving out underneath his, bringing both him and Cas down to the floor. He sobbed into Cas' lap. He'd never seen him like this, Dean was always so macho.

“You need to understand,” he pleaded, his voice broken. “You don't know my Dad,”

Cas wrapped him in his arms, he was hysterical.

“You don't understand, you don't...”

Cas just sshh'd him, stroking his hair.

“You're the only person...” he stuttered, “You’re the only person I can be myself with Cas,”

“Dean, it's okay.” He tried.

“I can't! I can't...” he rocked. Until eventually they both just sat there, quietly crying.


	6. Chapter 6

**DECEMBER – JUST OVER 3 MONTHS AGO**

 

The weather had gotten so much colder. Cas marvelled at the way the leaves still clung to the trees. The tough ones that refused to give in while others stayed bare. They were still pretty bare now, they mourned with him, unable to transform back into their own beautiful selves.

 

Their apartment donned a very small Christmas tree, decorated with lights, baubles and angels.

“You have to come and see this!” Meg peered her head around Cas' bedroom door where him and Dean sat curled up with each other, napping.

She quickly snapped a photo of them both before shaking them awake.

“Come on boys!” She called, “wake up!”

They stirred. “What is it?” Dean asked, rubbing his eyes.

“It's snowing!!”

They pulled on the layers and then ran out after her. Cas almost slipping.

It was enchanting. Not just the tiny, fragile flakes that fell, but that entire moment: watching Dean as he ran through the white, his face beaming. He opened his mouth to catch them like a child.

Meg came over to take Cas' hand. “Merry Christmas Clarence,” she smiled resting her head on his shoulder.

 

It was Christmas Eve and neither Cas nor Dean had gotten each other anything. Dean asked over and over but Cas told him that he already had the best thing, and nothing could top it. So they agreed no gifts.

They laid side by side, Cas' curtains still open, watching the snow fall outside.

“I know what I want for Christmas now,” Cas declared. And Dean rolled to face him.

“You've gotta be kidding me,” Cas just laughed.

“A kiss… from you.” Cas smiled. Dean leaned in and obliged.

“You know I've been thinking...” Dean said as he led back down besides Cas. “About telling my family... about us.”

Cas sat up, leaning himself on his elbow. “Dean...”

“No... I want to.” He stared at the wall.

“Even your Dad?”

“Yeah,” Dean bit his lip. Dean was petrified. The last relationship he had had was with Joe. And this was so different.

 

Cas only remembered eating too much on Christmas day, and short phone calls with his brothers and father. The three of them drank a lot and Meg went out in the evening to meet a guy she'd been seeing for a while. Leaving Dean and Cas to dance, drunk around the apartment until falling into bed with each other.

 

Somewhere in between then and new year’s it fell apart. Dean had called his family on Boxing Day, Cas couldn't hear what he was saying but he ended up spending two days in his dorm room, asking to be alone.

On Dec 31st they stood on the football field together, watching the fireworks light the sky. Dean had stopped being so distant and Cas finally thought it might be okay. Everyone cheered, counting down the seconds. Dean squeezed Castiel's hand and finally they reached midnight.

“Happy New Year!!” Cas sang, pulling Dean into a hug.

“Happy New Year Cas,” he said and he pulled him in for a kiss. It lasted moments and yet years, a consuming, harsh kiss. Like a first, or a last. Cas smiled behind the kiss in all his elation. The words came out before he could stop them.

“I love you Dean,” he smiled.

Dean froze, his lips turned down. Cas thought he was going to cry. People moved and buzzed and laughed around them but they just stood there. Waiting…

Dean squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head.

“Cas...” But he couldn't get the words out. By this point Meg noticed something was off.

“What's going on?” she shouted over the crowd. Dean just turned on his heels, and ran through the crowd, away from the chaos and away from Cas. Cas tried to run after him. But he was lost in people, until he found Meg.

“Castiel,” she said. “Calm down,” but he wouldn't. He had told Dean that he loved him, and he ran.

When Cas finally made it back to his apartment it was empty. All of Dean’s things were gone, with just his key left on the kitchen cabinet.

He remembered shouting at the empty walls. The way his legs moved but he couldn't feel them, running. Finally he reached Dean's dorm room. Empty. Even Cas' things weren't there.

 

He walked back to his apartment numb. Where Meg nursed him like a broken bird. First there were tears, the sobbing, and the constant calling with no one picking up on the end of the line, then nothing. He couldn't eat, he couldn't sleep. He tore into his studio, picking up pieces. Some he left untouched, while the ones he painted while we was with Dean got the black paint, while others just got torn in the fray.

He couldn't fathom why he felt so empty. Until lying on his cold studio floor it hit him. He felt a gaping hole in him because that was what Dean had left: the absence. He more than loved Dean, Dean had become a part of him. Now that part was gone, missing, taking some of him with it.

 

A few days later he got a package. It was from Dean.

“What is it?” Meg asked. He didn't want to touch it.

“You open it,” he spoke, staring at the wall.

It was all of Cas' things neatly packaged, mailed back to him: clothes and music and books, photos of them both and Christmas cards.

“What's this?” Meg asked, pulling out a leaflet. Cas got up, his agonisingly rigid body disagreeing with movement.

“It's from when we went up state, to that art exhibit,”

“Oh,” Cas looked at the contents of the box properly now. He began searching through it, digging.

“Cas?” Meg was worried, watching him pulling things out and throwing them around.

“Where is it? WHERE IS IT?!!” He shouted, erratic, until the box was empty.

“CAS!” Meg shouted. In realisation he stumbled backwards, sliding down the wall.

Everything was there… except his red scarf.

 

They say that when we remember things, we always remember the colours more vividly. The reel that played back in Cas' mind was just like that: a serious of colours. Everything was a hot red, the passion the anguish. And now it was a faded grey.

Every time he played it back in his mind he wondered if he'd got it right. But it hurt so badly when he did, it must have been right. He remembered it all, all too well.


	7. Chapter 7

**FEBRUARY – NOW**

 

Cas was studying when his phone rang. It must have been 10pm, 11 maybe? It was the last thing he expected.

The name on the screen hit him like a bullet in the back: _Dean_.

His first instinct was to answer it. But then his head caught up with his heart, hesitating for a moment as it sat there, still ringing. Why was he doing this, Cas could feel the frayed fragments of himself undoing again. Maybe he liked the pain?

He placed it to his ear.

“Hello?” It was silent for a moment, and then a whisper.

“Cas?”

“Dean,” Cas was crying now, shaking at the sound of his voice. Silence. “Dean?”

“I'm sorry.” He could hear his voice breaking “I – I'm so sorry...”

“Why?” Was all Cas could ask. “Why?”

“I didn't have a choice,” He said. Cas sniffed, unable to find words. What did he mean? “I didn't have a choice.”

Silence.

“That's not an answer-”

“How are you?”

Cas paused. “Shit,” he declared. Wiping his face with his jumper sleeves. “I miss you,”

Cas could hear rustling. “I miss you too,”

“Then why aren't you here?” he questioned. “Why aren't you here Dean?”

Silence.

Dean swallowed. “I am I just-”

“Are you even still at Barden?”

“Yeah, I just... I changed my dorm room. I thought it would be easier for us.”

Silence again.

“And I'm transferring next year,” Cas didn't interrupt. He just let him talk. “I'm doing well. My Dad's home,” He could hear Dean clenching his jaw, holding back his grief.

They just listened to each other’s unsteady breathing.

“Dean. Come back to me-”

“I can't... I'm with someone else now.”

“What?” Cas felt sick.

“I shouldn't even be calling you, I just... I had too much to drink I guess and...”

Cas couldn't bear the dead air.

“Did you ever love me?” Silence. “Dean, did you ever love me?” Silence again. But Cas was through with waiting. He sighed. “That's what I thought,”

“Cas-”

“Goodbye Dean.”

He put the phone down.

 

He was wailing again. His body convulsing. Until that feeling churned inside him. He ran into the bathroom, just in time to vomit.

Why was he haunting him? After everything, after all this time. It slipped back to him in echoes and flashbacks. Everything crumbled around him again. He would lay there until morn.

 

In his dreams he played it all back. Faster than a plane in take-off. It crushed him that the moments he remembered most were the good ones. Why would you want to remember the bad? But Cas searched for something, anything to make him want to regret. But he couldn't.

 

It had been two months and he was still reaching, grasping at nothing. Dean wasn't coming back. He knew that now. Yet a canvas of him still hung in Cas' mind. Mounted in a gold frame, covered by red velvet curtains. He wouldn't touch the curtains now, not even to peak. Dean provoked and roused him, wounded and enthralled him. He had tried so hard in every moment, to catch it and remember it.

 

“Cas...” Dean pined. Clutching at his collar and pulling him closer. Every trace, every skim. Each knead and delve and hold. Dean found the freckle on Cas' hip and Cas' found the dimples in his back.

“Cas! Cas!” he called. But then Cas was awake and it was Meg.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading!!! it is much appreciated! :D :D
> 
> also you should go listen to Taylor Swift - All Too Well!


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